My trip to Houghton Lake over Labor Day weekend was so thereputic, as it always is.  I don't know what it is about that place, where the magic comes from.  Not that I really care, I am simply thankful for it!  I spent most of that weekend crying.  But I discovered each tear that fell, was a small release of all the hurt, negativity, anger & resentment.  Many tears fell down my cheeks, nearly drowning me.  I'm not one who cries easily and I sure don't admit to it.  There was much to be released.  I came back to Jackson (UGH), came back to blogging, and released even more.  Spelling out all my emotions.  Through the tears and 'writing' it has mostly been purged from my soul, leaving me feeling at peace.  I'm able to look at things in a new light.  Finally letting positive thoughts and feelings enter me, like a demon possessing his prey.  I realize most, okay, ALL of my venting was over my most recent relationship failure.  But do not for one moment assume all my hostility, crushing emotions, and self-loathing stemmed from just that!  That was the final straw that broke me upon many other things that are still much too personal for me to be willing to put in such a public manner.  But I'm sure I'll be releasing much of that soon as well.  All a part of my healing process.  Keeping it crammed deep inside is not healthy for myself or those around who depend upon me.  I'm just not ready to blare all my faults & wrong doings to the world.  I have had a difficult enough time finally realizing them, coming to terms with them and accepting responsibility for them within myself.

For the first time since October 2004 (when I deployed to Iraq), I feel as if things will be okay and even possibly better than just okay!  Ever since I returned to the United States of America and forced to become a 'normal', functioning, civilian, I have felt useless.  As if I no longer had a purpose or mission in life.  I could not wrap my head around the fact that my children needed me to be there for them, to be their Mother.  I was so wrapped up in being a Soldier, the only thing I truly feel I was ever good at from day one!  I never had to work at being a good Soldier, it came so naturally.  Yes, I had many frustrating moments when the Senior NCO's couldn't seem to grasp the concept of what it took to be a true leader and lead by example.  Frustrations when I, a mere SGT, found myself having to step up and take over their responsibilities and even the responsibilities of some of the Officer's.  But at the same time, I LOVED it!  It felt so good to be doing the right things, setting positive examples for other's, working hard, (being a female having to work twice as hard to prove myself half as good), being a true Soldier!  As always there was opposition, those who tried to take credit for my work, tried to minimalize my duties, and even spread untruths in order to stain my reputation and discredit my deeds.  But it didn't matter to me.  Those who knew me, and more importantly - I knew me and the truth.  I am proud to have been a Soldier, it was my calling.  Being a civilian has always been difficult for me, but even more so after finding myself in the Army.  I have now been home for 6 years and am just now beginning to figure out who I am, and realize I am more than a Soldier.  I will always miss the military life, but now it's time for me to embrace the life I have now!

There is so much more I have to say right now, but it would make even less sense than my current rambling if I were to continue. . . therefore, I will respectfully step away from my keyboard and re-visit it at another time and spew forth more information that you probably have no desire to know abuut me!  But then again - I am doing this for me - not you!!!

~Love~Peace~Happiness
~~~~~~Jewels~~~~~~~

Life has taken me on a whirl wind ride lately. . . .these past 2 weeks have actually been very positive ones for me & my healing process.  I am learning to truly enjoy the small things in life and let go of the what-if's, and negativity.  I haven't felt so peaceful in so long, I can't even remember.  I learned a lot about myself from Joe, so I can't say that relationship was a complete waste.  For all the venting I did in the recent past, I do wish him happiness and success in his future. 

Ahhhhhh. . . the healing process has begun!!!  I am feeling MUCH better & MUCH stronger the last two days!  I needed to get angry, get out all the negative.

In reading all my previous posts. . .please do not think I am blaming the entire failure on the one who left. . . I am not an easy person to deal with, put up with and to try to love.  I have my own problems, demons & issues as well.  I am making changes every day and learning how to be a more positive person.  I started doing that May of 2010. . .apparently I wasn't making the changes quick enough or drastically enough. . . But that is simply God's way of telling me - it wasn't right!  He put that person in my life to give me a jump start on becoming the person I need to be for the right one!

For you nosey little Parker's, stalker's & what-not. . . .I am the LEAST arrogant person alive.  In this past relationship - I WAS the one burnt. . . I was lied to, mislead, and left in the dust after fully supporting this person for 15.5 months.  I didn't do it because I expected anything in return. . I did it because I loved this person, believed in this person, trusted in this person and the future we were supposedly building. . . I was judged by my children, judged by the people I had removed from my life. . .I gave up my kids, removed everyone from my life, found the job he currently has and am happy for him that while at that job he found the "love of his life". . . .But most importantly - we were friends before dating, were remaining friends afterwards. . .& then BLAM. . . .I have the plague because he found someone new. . . .the way it was handled way childish & cowardly. . . I thought we'd always have our friendship. . .but apparently he is not a true friend.  I understand no more calling, texting me everyday, several times a day. . .but to just up & end the friendship without even bothering to say he was doing so. . .

Funny, yet sad thing is. . .he told me that he had actually been done way back in like January/February of this year. . . yet he never mentioned this to me. . he kept using me until the end of July when he FINALLY got a job. . . He told everyone BUT me that he was done with us.  Kept telling me he loved me & things were going to be great & huge improvements were coming with his job. . .

Anyway. . .I am DONE putting out all the negative about him. . . I am breathing easier, I am not afraid every day anymore. . .and am coming away from this a stronger, better, happier person!

Moving on up....

I am still shedding tears every day. . .but I am getting stronger!  I simply started thinking of all the negative. . . all the lies, half-truths, pain & misery you caused me!  I always knew deep down inside - you were only around for as long as I was providing for you & that as soon as you could stand on your own you'd be gone - you're just the same as everyone else I've ever been with!  I could sense it, read it in you (you're not the only one good at reading people).
I see now just how truly pathetic you are & how dishonest you are!  You judge & hate people so violently without just cause and I think it's because it's easier to hate them than yourself!  The people who call you out for what you really are. . .you want nothing to do with & you reflect your internal negativity onto them!  You don't love anyone. . .you are simply in love with the idea of being in love!
I WAS happy when you first got here, but your extreme anger, self-loathing, cries of wanting to die & boo hooing about how everyone would be better off without you around, being afraid to speak because i didn't want to send you off into a rant, afraid not to speak because that too would set you off. . . it's no wonder I was so miserable & depressed all the time!!
It's not ALL your fault, I do have a lot of issues and problems in my life that I allow to bring me down. . .NO MORE!!!  I let you bring me down too & then you useed that as an excuse to leave?!?!?! 
I hope & pray you change your ways, that you let go of your anger, that you are truly happy & really love your girlfriend of 9 days (HA HA HA - that's not love. . .it's infatuation!)!  But I hope that infatuation does grow into love & you find your peace & happiness in this world! 
Someday I will find that someone special who loves me for me, not what I can do for them.  A true partner.  I feel sorry for this person because they will have to go through a lot to earn my trust and love. . . but that's when I'll know they are the real thing!  Someone who can & wants to take care of me as much I do them!

Yes - it is YOU - not me!!

I'm STARTING to move past the hurt & pain! It is still very much there, but anger is beginning to move in! You are a LARGE reason why I stayed so miserable & depressed the entire time. Constantly walking on egg shells out fear of your anger, working to pay all the bills, listening to you whine about how you hated yourself, felt worthless, yet never doing anything to change it, you claiming to be the only person who ever did anything around the house, yet if I tried to do something you'd get pissed! You spent your days locked in a room, playing on your computer. When you 'watched' my youngest boy, it was actually the TV, video games etc that really watched him (checking on a kid every couple hours does not constitute watching him) then listening to you bitch about people who use TV as sitters. . . no wonder all he ever talked about was tv or video games. . . Listening to you bitch at me about how your friends wouldn't call you, FB message you, comment on your FB posts, return your texts - when YOU wanted them to & then be all smiley, happy when they did call you, never mentioning your feelings to them. Bitching to your friends about what was going on in my home, my llife that I was building & changing for you. . .but never talking to me about things bothering you about our relationship. Listening to you bitch about how much you hate your own mother & how she is always going on & on about things that MIGHT happen, playing out possible scenarios as if they already happened & then sitting & watching you do the exact same things! Listening to you piss & moan about how your ex-wives & your last 2 girlfriends took EVERYTHING away from you, leaving you with nothing, how they kept you from doing the things in your life you really wanted to do. . . After hearing you bitch SO much about people needing to take responsibility for thier lives & their actions. . .maybe it's time you take your own advice!!! YOU allowed those things to happen! You use everyone else as an excuse for you not doing things in your life, for your situations! It's NOT because you were putting others thoughts & feelings before your own - it's because you were too scared to try & used them as your scapegoats! You'd whine & cry about how much you love & miss your son. . .but you had to be reminded to even call him. You'd bitch because he didn't take initiative & call you - he's a KID for crying out loud! YOU be the MAN & call your son, reach out to him, be there for him! It's not his responsibility to reach out to you! Listening to you bitch about my son eating food I bought for the people in the house to eat. . . .hearing you say how rude & inconsiderate that was of him. . . how you go hungry & wouldn't eat much so others could eat. . . hrmmm if he was suppose to do the same - the food would have just sat there & spoiled!!! When my son asked to move back in - I asked you several times if it was okay, if it was the right thing to do. . .you ALWAYS said yes, were encouraging about it! The second he started to vome back - you created the drama & hatred. . never giving credit for a single positive thing - but always pointing out the negative, blowing it up to make it seem as if he were the devil himself! When I wanted to help out a friend in need - again - I asked you SEVERAL times. . . each time you were supportive & positive about it. . again - as soon as she started moving in - the anger, resentment, & drama started!!! But I'm the bad, evil person because I didn't kick my 17 year old son out of the house. . .I'm the horrible, evil spawn of satan because I didn't throw my friend's stuff in the street, I gave her a chance to find a place, finish her semester of school. . . Yes. . . you did do a LOT for me in getting rid of a lot of the drama & people who caused it & my legal situation. . . But I also did a whole hell of a LOT for you! You even said so numerous times how I literally saved your life. . .how close you were to eating a bullet before I came along. . . sad thing is - you made me want to eat a bullet more often than not! Hell - the job you have now - I found for you! Because as much as you bitched about not having a job, you never really tried to get one - you told me that yourself several times, because you were too scared to try! Never once did I bitch about your not working, not contributing to the household. I supported all you half-assed money making ideas that you never fully followed through with. You claim I lied to you to get you to MI. You claim I didn't tell you everything. You claim I brought you here under false pretenses & purely for selfish reasons. I told you before you came - there were always people in my house, I told you of all the stress I was under, I told you about my pending legal problems, I told you Marcus was waaaayyyy more than a handful. Yes i even told you I was purely selfish in bringing you here, but i also explained what I meant by that. I am a helping, loving, giving person by nature. I was trying to help you, love you & give you the world - it's what I do, who I am. By being able to help you I felt as if I had purpose & was doing something good in my life & to me that is selfish.The more I think about it. . . you are one of the biggest hypocrites out there! You shut me out - just as you do everyone. You lied to me constantly, kept things from me, emotionally, mentally & even physically abused me. . yet I still stood by your side, making excuses for you, standing up for you, defending you! Then you continued to use me after you left me. Claiming to be my friend, calling me, texting me several times a day, every day. Asking me for favors, using me to keep you company (over the phone) while you were on the road & no one else was available, telling me how much you trust me and how I know you better than anyone in the world. Now you found someone new & you don't even have the balls to tell me!?!?! You just block & ignore me, leaving your dog (well you always considered him just yours but who bought all his food, loved him & took care of him) behind. I'm sure you'll claim I took him from you - when you in fact abandonded him just like you have every one who ever cared about you - including your own son!You need to spend a whole hell of a lot more time looking in the mirror, judging & changing yourself instead of judging others! The people you claim to hate the most, the reasons you give for hating these people. . are the EXACT qualities YOU possess! You are fake, dishonest, sneaky, deceitful, you are full of hatred & anger, you are a sad & miserable person 90% of the time & blame it on others, you're a paranoid psycho who thinks everyone hates him & is out to kill him - that paranoia stems from you knowing who you truly are & how you really treat & think of everyone! Well, you always did say that sometimes you needded to hear the raw & honest truth about yourself & appreciated the times I did that. . . let's see if you still appreciate that!I should have listened to you LONG ago - you were right! IT IS, WAS & ALWAYS BE YOU - NOT ME!!!!!!