My trip to Houghton Lake over Labor Day weekend was so thereputic, as it always is.  I don't know what it is about that place, where the magic comes from.  Not that I really care, I am simply thankful for it!  I spent most of that weekend crying.  But I discovered each tear that fell, was a small release of all the hurt, negativity, anger & resentment.  Many tears fell down my cheeks, nearly drowning me.  I'm not one who cries easily and I sure don't admit to it.  There was much to be released.  I came back to Jackson (UGH), came back to blogging, and released even more.  Spelling out all my emotions.  Through the tears and 'writing' it has mostly been purged from my soul, leaving me feeling at peace.  I'm able to look at things in a new light.  Finally letting positive thoughts and feelings enter me, like a demon possessing his prey.  I realize most, okay, ALL of my venting was over my most recent relationship failure.  But do not for one moment assume all my hostility, crushing emotions, and self-loathing stemmed from just that!  That was the final straw that broke me upon many other things that are still much too personal for me to be willing to put in such a public manner.  But I'm sure I'll be releasing much of that soon as well.  All a part of my healing process.  Keeping it crammed deep inside is not healthy for myself or those around who depend upon me.  I'm just not ready to blare all my faults & wrong doings to the world.  I have had a difficult enough time finally realizing them, coming to terms with them and accepting responsibility for them within myself.

For the first time since October 2004 (when I deployed to Iraq), I feel as if things will be okay and even possibly better than just okay!  Ever since I returned to the United States of America and forced to become a 'normal', functioning, civilian, I have felt useless.  As if I no longer had a purpose or mission in life.  I could not wrap my head around the fact that my children needed me to be there for them, to be their Mother.  I was so wrapped up in being a Soldier, the only thing I truly feel I was ever good at from day one!  I never had to work at being a good Soldier, it came so naturally.  Yes, I had many frustrating moments when the Senior NCO's couldn't seem to grasp the concept of what it took to be a true leader and lead by example.  Frustrations when I, a mere SGT, found myself having to step up and take over their responsibilities and even the responsibilities of some of the Officer's.  But at the same time, I LOVED it!  It felt so good to be doing the right things, setting positive examples for other's, working hard, (being a female having to work twice as hard to prove myself half as good), being a true Soldier!  As always there was opposition, those who tried to take credit for my work, tried to minimalize my duties, and even spread untruths in order to stain my reputation and discredit my deeds.  But it didn't matter to me.  Those who knew me, and more importantly - I knew me and the truth.  I am proud to have been a Soldier, it was my calling.  Being a civilian has always been difficult for me, but even more so after finding myself in the Army.  I have now been home for 6 years and am just now beginning to figure out who I am, and realize I am more than a Soldier.  I will always miss the military life, but now it's time for me to embrace the life I have now!

There is so much more I have to say right now, but it would make even less sense than my current rambling if I were to continue. . . therefore, I will respectfully step away from my keyboard and re-visit it at another time and spew forth more information that you probably have no desire to know abuut me!  But then again - I am doing this for me - not you!!!

~Love~Peace~Happiness
~~~~~~Jewels~~~~~~~